Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
