The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
