just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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