all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
