Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
