just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
