I think im going to throw up on grandma
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
