i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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