i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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