And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
