I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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