Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize