I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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