Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
