I wish I could teleport
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
