When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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