when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need to calm my uterus...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
