She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
