one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
