how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
