You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
