how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
