i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
