This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
