I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
