There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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