Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
