my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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