somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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