Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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