we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize