Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
