Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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