Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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