I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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