Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Text me some of your sweat
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