we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
