my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
