there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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