Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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