I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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