someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
