just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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