so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
