I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
