Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
