so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
