if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
