I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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