My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My nipple is on Facebook.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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