So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
