Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
