my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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