I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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