it was like his penis was on wheels.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
