So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
