they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
